Slough (of despond)

Taking some linguistic liberty, I can claim that Google defines Slough as:

1) A swamp;
2) The dropping off of dead tissue from living flesh.

Inviting.

Bullied by by Betjeman and Brent, Slough is famously shit.  I'm disappointed to say that I've missed the Brunel Bus Station, a brown-and-concrete megalith that, given my esoteric / perverse tastes, I might have rather enjoyed.  But, happily, Slough is partway through its Heart of Slough remoulding and modernisation.

One part of this scheme has been completed, a new £12 million bus station.  The wonderfully partisan Slough Times website (which really should be in Comic Sans FULL CAPS) loathes this structure, and cites such heart-breaking tales of public transport woe as A Pensioner misses her bus (which concludes 'she was forced by Slough's uncaring Labour-run council to stand in the pouring rain waiting for her next bus') and the eschatological thought-provoker Everything closes at 4pm.

It's certainly an odd bugger.  I suppose that modern bus stations don't want to end up being places for loiters and tramps to hang around, so seek not to be particularly comfortable, with a tolerable dwell period of about ten minutes.  Taking some cues from Vauxhall Bus Station, the Slough structure is a two-pronged silver thing that (deliberately?) provides limited shelter from cold, wind or rain.  The Council's website says that the metal cladding will 'change character with the varying light conditions', which I think means that it will look darker at night.

The two worms-in-cross-section meet a larger worm-in-cross-section, where there's a caff and a mini newsagent, but the interesting glass end seems sadly to be a staff room (well, I couldn't find a way in).

In between the bus and train stations and the shops, somewhat unhelpfully, thunders a pair of dual carriages that form a ring-road.  A glass-and-steel bridge that spans the roads was presumably paid for by the massive millennial Tesco, but the tiling looks like a naff version of a 70s Jubilee Line platform, and absolutely everything (tiles, handrails, flooring, glass) is liberally plastered with pigeon poo.

Welcome to Slough

The smashed safety-glass panels make a pleasing installation of urban art in the winter sun.

Welcome to Slough.

Across the shit-and-shrapnel assault course sits the concrete fundom of the Queensmere Shopping Centre.  T'internet suggests that this will be flattened and rebuilt as something nice (/with a greater rental income).  At the moment, it's a distinctly lacklustre affair with an unhealthy number of 99p and discount stores.  Someone's tried to hide the exterior concreteness with a cheap and unadorned internal façade of white plasterboard, and a bunch of light fittings that are often bulb-free and/or just a cable hanging from the roof.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HER TEETH?

Out the other side of Queensmere is a redeveloped square on the High Street, with some street furniture, a new cinema, and some charming dining options.

CCTV ensures that no-one steals the pigeon poo.

Adjacent is the Observatory shopping centre, which is a rather nicer PoMo affair with Lego-blue detailing and some decorative capitals/balcony-type contrivances.

On the way up to the roof of the Observatory carpark, one can visit some charming toilets, and perhaps experience the alfresco thrill of weeing in a cubicle that has had its door smashed off.

Well, at least they are appologising for the iconvenience.

On the roof, there are three lifts - one of which is, surreally, the pin-coded entrance to an EasyGym.  From this lofty vantage, one can look down on some utter shit strewn across the roofs at the back of the High Street.

Will this also be rectafied shortly?

After the vigorous exercise of urban exploration, one might seek a refreshing beverage in a local hostelry.  The 'friendliest pub on Slough High Street' comes with the stern and slightly confusing warning on its front door 'Do not attempt to use public toilets unless you are a paying customer'.  So, they're not public toilets, then?  Or do different terms and conditions apply if seeking to use the staff toilets?

FRIENDLY.

Sadly, it seems that one can no longer source a horse pie in Slough  :(

Although this has thankfully not dampened the spirits of the locals, who have chosen to have a fun time in the piss-soaked alleyway alongside.

Polish lager, fags and jaffa cakes.  A classic Berkshire night out.

If you would like to live and work here, a local job shop suggests becoming a leering chef and serving up a tasty platter of raw potato wedges, accompanied by a bowl of radishes.  Mmm.

Um.  Nice curtains.

A nearby store sells some genuinely exotic treats, like eyebrows.

Bargain.

In all, Slough might actually be the crappest place I have visited in quite some time.  Although perhaps my memory of Bracknell has faded.

Keep up the good work, Berkshire.