Retro: the East London Line

The below is a lightly-tweaked bit of flotsam written in 2008, by me and my chum @urpert.  It was published in the excellent London journal Smoke thenabouts.  I'm putting it here to correct some of my criticism in implying that the East London Line is only of use for those going from Anerley to Shoreditch.  Indeed, the new ELL has the best and most functional rolling stock of any London train line.  Furthermore, the reopened line can, of course, also be used to go from Brockley to Wapping.  

Standing at a pre-Christmas Whitechapel Station with a very cold face and beery breath, I checked my watch again and continued waiting for the train to arrive. Taking only 15 minutes end-to-end, and comprising just 8 stations, the East London Line seemed a far more manageable pub crawl than a suicidal multi-binge on the Circle Line, or hours spent trying to find the Monopoly's Coventry Street to get a pint there. Furthermore, the ELL was shortly to be parked in the sidings until June 2010, so this was one of the last few days that I could think of a reason to use the stunted little tartrazine-coloured line. However, with fewer trains than even the piss-poor (and pink) Hammersmith and City bothers to run, this crawl involved more sobering up and standing around than I'd expected.

My only other experience of the ELL was after an ill-advisedly large lunchtime curry on Brick Lane. Waddling around with a madras-packed phantom pregnancy, I decided that it'd save vital footsteps to catch a train south from Shoreditch, rather than stagger to Aldgate East. This, bafflingly, required waiting for the station to reopen after its lunch break. I then stood, alone, on the single platform with nothing to look at but a mysterious tunnel through which the trains didn't run. The tracks, sprouting grass and in a trench of neglected Victorian brickwork, looked like a giant unloved Hornby set. Only after some time did an errant Metropolitan Line train, having perhaps taken a wrong turn at Chesham [posh] and ended up in Tower Hamlets [grim], finally arrive to carry my pendulous, spiced belly back towards civilisation.

I'll have a standard curry, please.

Perhaps the ELL is one of those amusing but crap quirks of London history, like Lambeth North station or the entirety of Notting Hill. Running awkwardly along the right hand side of the Journey Planner, the ELL was the only Tube line not to enter Zone 1; it thoughtfully prevented itself from becoming overcrowded and/or useful by being the only Tube line not to serve a real London terminus. Which was done deliberately to take the piss out of Fenchurch Street, one presumes.

Useful.

Of interest to the historically-inclined, the ELL bravely chuffed through the pioneering Thames Tunnel, as carved by Brunel's Dad using only his bare forearms and a teaspoon (or something). As a wizened, salt-of-the-earth East Londoner, the ELL has lived through many world-shaking events, including World War II and the Thatcherite moulding of once-proud Surrey Docks into the plexiglass portal to foulness of Surrey Quays Shopping Village and Lifestyle Experience^TM.

A ring-road symphony of PoMo in brown.

What a nice vernacular hat that tower is wearing.

When it re-opens in 2010, the ELL will be subject to some inventive re-branding by TfL, placing stations in Underground-starved South London literally on the map. Unlike the late-90s Jubilee Line extension, no fresh tunnelling is required to complete the ELL; rather, it will be made by linking together existing bits of mainline track and changing over some station signs to form the tangerine flagship of the London Overground (currently boasting indirect services to hateful parts of North London, at least twice daily). This first phase of the extension will link Croydon [pregnant chavs] to Hoxton [foolish haircuts] and beyond, via Canada Water's curiously literal interpretation of the Journey Planner's right-angle interchange with the Jubilee Line.

The alleged second phase of ELL construction, which currently has no money and no schedule for building, will allow estate agents to abuse us with the notion that there will shortly be a Tube line running directly from Clapham Junction to Islington. This will delight the stupid and/or northern bumpkins who believe these are the only two places one can live in London. Of course no-one, ever, will actually make that journey; not deliberately, anyway. At least being on the East London Line will be more useful than being on the much-vaunted 'Meridian Line', which presumably led to a lot of disgruntled commuters in Hither Green ['up and coming'] finding themselves stuck with no useful transport links to anywhere other than Dartford [edgy] or Orpington [neglected].

Textbook example of drunken lamppost photography.

Incidentally, New Cross and Canary Wharf are in the background.

Finally ensconced in a naff 70s New Cross armchair in a tediously expensive student pub, I drank my tediously expensive 'World Lager' (Heineken) amid faintly embarrassed students with asymmetric haircuts, each of whom wished the ELL had already been completed so their barnets could be conveyed on the fast, efficient service to Hoxton. I admired the view of the New Cross station shed, the flashing light atop Canary Wharf blinking lonely morse into the night, and thought of the imminent demise of the forked orange lifeline of a very small area of South East London. I drained my glass and set off towards the Romulus of the ELL's princely twin termini, New Cross Gate, one last time.

 Farewell, old friend. I am pissed and you were orange.

London buses: less rubbish

For many, the shape of London changed when the extended East London Line opened in 2010, literally putting parts of SE and E London on the (Tube) map.

The southern parts of the Phase One extension.

Not that the line actually goes anywhere particularly useful - unless there is a significant crowd from Anerley heading up to Shoreditch for some lager shandies (or - who knows - a sizeable crew from Shoreditch heading down to the equally-grubby Anerley).  Still, it forms part of the Orbital Route that will eventually connect up to Clapham Junction, which will at least bring some colour to [the map of] South London.

Nonetheless, the accessible parts of London remained in the minds of many Londoners (and tourists) a multicoloured skeleton, albeit one with a slightly-longer orange bone.  Venturing away from those vital routes was a risky business - bravely essaying into the grey-and-white-striped hinterlands of, gulp, Not On The Tube.  Here be dragons / Thamesmead.

But, TfL has delivered a service that will improve the average public-transport-user's life by just under infinity percent - a reliable indicator of how long you'll have to wait for a bus in London.  A proliferation of smartphone apps now allow users to wait in the warm and dry, and away from the other dreadful hoi-palloi who [have to] use buses, for as long as possible, before making a perfectly-timed arrival to board the horror shuttle to wherever they have somehow decided to go, despite that place not being on the Tube.

ZOMG, improbably, there's even a Windows Phone app.

Having used such apps a few times, I can only say that they i) are fucking awesome, and ii) allow you to see  quite how  randomly  spaced  London   buses can    be.

(A little typographical joke there).

In addition to this, frankly brilliant, development, TfL this week also unveiled the prototype replacement for the old Routemaster bus, the Borismaster (or, prosaically, the New Bus for London, as I refuse to call it).

I quite accept that the old Routemasters were iconic, and the ability to leap on and off the back in slow-moving traffic was great in such a congested city.  But I found them basically unusable as I'm too long of leg to either stand up, or sit down, on the bloody things.

And so, with some likeminded and lightly-beered chums, I staked out Victoria Station to await the only one of the prototypes to be running on London's streets.  Best of all, because we're sprightly and sharp of elbow, we got the front window seats on the top deck.  And I could fit my legs in - win.

The Borismaster nuzzles into the rear of a Normal Bus.

The innards of the bus are clad in red and mustard-gold plastic, which made the whole thing feel a bit like it's sponsored by McDonald's (cf the entire Olympics).

The ribbon windows parallel the (rather plasticky) staircase.

I rather liked the design of the PoMo moquette - both a rather pleasing visual joke about the contour lines of a seat that has sagged under the weight of a million London arses, and a knowing nod to computer-aided design, anti-aliasing and interpolation.  It is no accident that a pattern that is intended not to be noticed copies the CAD hatching that depicts transparency.

It gets a bit trippy if you look at it for too long.

An earlier account of the Borisbus noted that the backdoors had been left shut owing to a software error.  Whilst they were open all the time we were aboard, the LCD Next Stop scrolling board did keep making errors.

Borisbu

This won't play on iPhones. Ahahahahah.

An old Routemaster, from the window of the Borismaster.

The circle is now complete: when I left you, I was but the learner, etc.

The key to the Borismaster is of course the rear exit, which allows Londoners to leap off into the path of oncoming traffic, etc.  Although, presumably to appease the (rather sane) requirements of Health and Safety, there is a second member of crew on board to ensure that Londoners don't end up balanced on the precarious platform, or tumbling under the wheel of passing juggernauts.

The rear boarding platform.  Where you're not allowed to stand.

Whilst I never had any trouble with the much-vilified Bendybuses (I was never even once so much as crushed to death by one), I do rather like the Borismasters.  Sure, they feel a bit cheap and plastic, but so do all buses, and at least that means that the blood wipes off easily, after you've been stabbed for asking some scrote not to throw chips at your girlfriend.

I do wonder, however, about the political future of the Borismasters.  Many of the rewards that BoJo is currently reaping come from the work of the previous Mayor, Red Ken - such as winning the London 2012 Olympics, and the extension to the East London Line that I began this piece with.  Perhaps following the May elections, Mr Livingstone will have the opportunity to deliver a whole fleet of shiny new Kenmasters to the streets of the Captiol...